


Four Letters

by CryBabyTM



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CryBabyTM/pseuds/CryBabyTM
Summary: Can you do a Spencer Reid request where he has been acting weird and the reader thinks he’s going to break up with her so she decides to end it before her can but he is really planning on proposing? xx
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s), Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Kudos: 61





	Four Letters

Fear, by dictionary definition, is the presence of an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm. Fear is a four-letter word that wraps around you and holds you hostage and messes with your mind. 

Fear. 

Four simple letters that can ruin your life in a moment's notice. 

Waking up alone in a bed, when you live with someone, is a terrifying and lonely feeling. In his line of work, you never knew when he was going to be home or if you were going to go to bed with him around. Going into the relationship with Spencer, I knew that his career was dangerous and what it meant to love him despite that. It meant forgiving and trusting and respecting one another. 

This morning I woke up, alone, in my bed with a note on the fridge, saying that he was heading into work early and he would be home for dinner. This was happening more often than not at this point in our relationship, but oftentimes he wasn't home before I went to sleep. 

And honestly, I am missing him every single day, holding his hand, going on dates, just being in his presence, I miss him. But I do not feel like I am important to him anymore. I don’t feel that love from him anymore. When he’s home he is withdrawn, and I feel like he doesn’t want to be around me. And I'm scared of what that means for us. He’s going to leave me, and I think it’s happening too quickly. 

The door opening behind me breaks me from my thoughts. However, I don’t move from my spot on the couch, coffee in hand. 

“Hey, I’m home,” Spencer calls out, locking the door behind him. His keys gangle and land on the bench, “I’ve missed you.” 

I finally look over at the man that I love and feel the tears clog my throat. His tie is loose around his neck and he looks amazing, like normal. “Do you Spencer?” I ask him sincerely, and it's like he is seeing me for the first time. Face all red and puffy, and coffee cold in my hand. I watch as his face shifts from one of playfulness to one full of concern. He makes his way over to the sofa, shedding his jacket over the back of it and taking a seat at the opposite end. 

“What do you mean?” He asks, and honestly, how do you tell someone that you love that you can’t be with them anymore? How do you explain that you’re afraid of him breaking my heart? How do you say in words that this fear of heartbreak, makes you want to leave him first? How can I tell the one person I never want to hurt that he’s not the one if I don’t mean it? How do I say that someone who is my entire life doesn’t seem to want me anymore? 

“I can’t do this Spencer,” I say, placing my mug on the table in front of me and I turn to face him, clearly defeated, all the fight is out of my system. 

“What do you mean?” He asks, again, reaching out to try to touch me, but I hold my hands up, begging him not to touch me. I knew that once he did I would not have the guts to do what I needed to do. He pulls his hands back and I can see in his face the hurt. 

And at that moment, I feel my heart break. 

“You’re never home anymore,” I whisper, anxiety radiating off me in waves, “And I don’t think I can handle it anymore.” 

I remove my gaze from the man, looking at my hands, as tears gather in my eyes. I can practically hear as the gears turn in Spencer’s beautiful mind, trying to pinpoint when everything changed for me. 

“I don’t understand,” He says, standing up, clearly distressed. 

“I wake up alone,” I say, tears falling down my cheeks, “I go to bed alone. I eat alone. I cry alone. I’m always alone, Spencer. And when you are home, I feel like you're not even here.” 

I stand up to meet him, arms wrapped around myself protectively. 

“You haven't kissed me in so long, and I don’t know the last time you touched me,” I continue. Spencer runs his fingers through his hair. 

“I-i,” He stutters, “I’m confused.” 

I shake my head, pure sadness overcoming me, I grab the overnight bag from beside the couch and press a kiss to his cheek, tears still falling from my eyes, Spencer stays frozen. I make my way to the door, stopping just short of it. 

“Do you even love me anymore?” I ask, turning to face the man. 

“With everything that is in me,” He says, and I watch as his eyes fill with tears. 

The bag drops from my hands and a sob racks my body. My hands come up to cover my face, and not even a moment later I feel his arms around me. One hand in my hair one on my back, rubbing in circular motions. We stand there for a moment, while I cry, and I know Spencer is too, by the way his chest shakes. I feel myself calm down and I pull away from Spencer. He runs his hands over his face, ridding it of tears. 

“I’m scared, Spence,” I confess. 

“What of?” 

I blink back tears. 

“Of losing you.”

“Can we sit down and talk about this?” 

I nod my head and we sit down on the sofa again. 

“Don’t profile me right now Spencer,” I say, noticing the way that he is analysing me. 

He nods his head, “I won’t. I just need to know where this has come from. I’ve been going over it all in my head and I can’t tell when this started.” 

“You have to see someone to notice when they start to break, Spence.” 

It’s like a shot to his chest. All he does is nod in response, but I know what I said hurt, and as guilty as I feel, the fear outweighs it. 

“I guess it was a little over a month ago when you stopped leaving me notes when you would leave early for work. And then after that, It became rare that I would even see you in the morning. Then I noticed you were staying late at work, and I know how important your job is. I get it. But I missed you.” 

“I didn’t even realise it was happening,” Spencer mutters. 

“But even after that, when I would see you, you were distracted and I felt scared that you didn't love me anymore,” I feel myself start to shake, “Is there someone else?” I don't want to know the answer, especially if it's the wrong one, but I needed to know. 

“What?” He asks, genuinely dumbfounded, “No! God no!” 

I let out the breath that I didn’t even know I was holding. Relief washing over me. 

“I’ve been planning something,” He says, placing a hand on my leg, pulling my attention back to his red face, “And I'm sorry that I've been so absent, I just have been so excited for this.” 

He reaches for his jacket and takes something out of the pocket. It’s a small, black box. 

“I had a plan, but I think this is more important right now,” He turns back to me, “I want you to know how much I love you and I want to explain where my head has been at recently.” 

I can feel my hands tremble. 

“I am so beyond in love with you, Y/n L/n,” He says, opening the small box to reveal the most beautiful ring, silver and simple. A diamond, with a studded band. Tears prick my eyes and my chest swells. “I will always be in love with you. I want to marry you.” 

“Oh my god,” I mutter under my breath. 

“I’ve been gone a lot more than usual because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise and talk about it because it’s all I’ve wanted to do since I first decided to propose to you. I want to marry you. And I’m sorry that by doing that I’ve made you feel like I don’t want you, or that you’re not important to me. Because you are the most important person in my life. You make my life worth living.” 

Tears drip from his eyes. 

“You are my entire life, and I adore you.” 

He pulls the ring out of the box and toys with it between his fingers. My heart rate increases and I can feel his nerves. This man is my other half, as cliche as it is. And all my worries have been soothed just simply by knowing how serious he is about me. When I truly think about why I was so upset at him, it was this space of uncertainty and unsure of where he was in our relationship. 

“Will you, please, marry me?” He says holding out the ring to me, “And it’s okay if the answer is no or not right now because I can see where I have betrayed your trust and hurt you. But I want to work on it.” 

“I want you here Spence,” I say, locking my watery eyes with his. “I want this with you, but only if you’re going to be around. And I know how important your job is, and I never want you to take that away from you or anything like that. I want you to do what you need to for that, but when you can be at home, I want you.” He gives me a soft smile, “But you have to agree that we would need to work on being an us again before I can say yes. As much as I want to, I don’t want the day that we get engaged to be a day that I was so blinded by fear.” 

“I agree, I want the day to be special and not the same day that you were going to leave me,” He laughs, causing me to smile. He takes one of my hands in his, and brings it up to his lips to press a soft kiss to it. 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, “I was honestly just afraid of what I couldn’t explain or understand.” 

“When you don’t know something, your brain instantly starts looking for your vulnerability. It quickly judges the severity of the harm can be done. The more damage something can cause, the more you fear it. So what you went through was a completely logical and normal response to what you interpreted as a hard and scary situation.” He says, hooking a hand in my knees and pulling me closer to him. “I just want you to know that I love you so much and that I’m sorry.” 

“I forgive you, I just need a hug,” I say, throwing my legs over his so that I’m straddling him. My face falling into the crook of his neck. His arms loop around my waist, and he presses a kiss to the side of my head. “I love you,” I mumble. 

And all it took was a conversation, some tears and honesty for me to turn that four-letter word into a different four-letter word. 

Love.


End file.
